My Inner Workings...

So you will never read this but..
i cant spend time with you anymore
becuase i will fall in love with you

I half expected you to come riding into town on your white horse and save my day.
Reality check, I realize it is not going to hapen.

i love james.

and you kind of stress me out.

If she messed up my life so much, why do I miss her? I try to imagine her face in my mind and the image fades more and more as time treads on. There was obviously something comforting and addicting about her that I am now without. The fact that my life is 100x more stable and makes more sense now is beside the point. The fact that she was a constant stress and caused me pain should give credit to all of it, but I still stand here like five months after the fact and I miss her. I credit it to the lack of closure in our dramatic "breakup or something. Or the fact that she was seemingly right about some stuff and at the end of the day, I don't want her to be right about you. She would be so disappointed with my choices now. Maybe it is also the fact that we were so close, so fast, and then it was gone. I never had anyone to talk to about it, because everyone just kind of turned the other shoulder. And they didnt ever see what I saw. The one night when I cried in the backseat of the car, and I am finally letting myself feel, but... fuck do I miss her!!!!!!!!!

(sighs)

Current Mood: confused

Today you broke my heart. Luckily, I drove to James' house and was instantly happy again. I question what will happen when I stand alone and I have nothing to protect me from your wrath.

21 credit hours
Interning at Planned Parenthood
Co-president of VOX
Nannying 15 hours a week
Social life
I am a busy girl !!

When you start to fall apart, I do as well.

I have become so bitter. I think that is what happens when people treat you like shit, except I am not bitter toward the people that I should be bitter toward.

I am going to try to move toward a friendship, despite everyone discouraging me from doing so. I want to do want I want to do, and I want to be her friend, so I am doing it.  I want to just do it and not worry about my moves being analyzed, by her and by everyone else. I promise you that I do not operate with malicious intent, I am just a kid trying to mend fences. Don't look past that, because it is nothing more.

And lastly, I want to surround myself with good friends and rich ethnic foods and comforting blankets. 

my life is mostly easy

Anyone who can tell me what they think this dream means would be great :)

I was at the park with a group of friends. Then another friend showed up, or someone who I was once friends with. Her and I began to verbally fight and this soon escalated into a fist fight. She kept punching me and I felt out of control. I tried to call 911 but this didn't work. I eventually grabbed a metal pole and knocked it into her head. She fell over in the grass and I left before she got up again. I had no money and was horribly bruised. I got on some bus and couldn't pay the fare but was happy to just be going away from her. I had no idea where I was but I knew I would get home eventually. Then I wokeup and was REALLY glad it was just a dream. 

Help in figuring out what this means???

Current Mood: curious

i miss it and im using my anger to hide the fact that i am totally terrified

today i discovered who she truly was. the womyn i always admired and loved...
is a selfish and unforgiving asshole.

i have no more sympathy and love. i am just filled with disgust and rage over her petty actions.

I don't want to come back to Arizona. I hate it there, now having spent a week in beautiful San Diego. I have been walking around on this beautiful green paradise, with nothing but time on my hands.

 I was once advised not to bring my cellphone with me for a break, so I have been leaving it behind when I go for long strolls along the beachfront, or to swim in the water, or to workout or even when I went to the Farmer's Market the other day. It completely changes the dynamic of my experience, in a way that I cannot explain. I feel now completely removed from an item I once thought was so crucial to my day. I never have a watch on, I don't care for the time. Sometimes I do a lot of tourist things, othertimes I stay inside with a book. I have no schedule and no one to please but myself. I don't care what people think of me here and I do nothing but things that will enhance me in any way possible, be that on a physical or mental level. 

I am trying to get to know myself again. Its a task long overdue.

I should not have read that, now I am questioning things again. I need her support right now. 

But Lauren did text me last night, which is really all that matters.. Right? I just want to get ouf this hellhole but I know you cannot run away...from your problems. They sneak up behind you and rape you for all  you are worth.

I want things to be perfect but they never were perfect, I guess I just want them to be better than they are now. I just want to be happy, I am never really happy so I think I may have forgotten what that feels like.
I also wish I could trust her, I mean you think I would after three years, but... I don't. Maybe I should stop paying for things, and buying her gifts and trying so damn hard. But I guess its part of my charm.

But really Hillary, I am sorry. Whether you or whoever else wants to believe it. Noone ever should expect me to act normally or anything, that is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I wish I had backed out and I don't even need the money, but oh how badly I do want it. 

I will be spending a lot of time alone from July 12th onwards. I think? Trying to find myself..... or not go crazy. Maybe I need more meds or less meds or more help or less help or something.The current formula really isn't working.

1+1= 2 but why do I keep getting 4? I mean you wanted honesty- so I gave that. Why do you make it so hard? Or am I blame shifting again.

 I use food as a weapon .

  I did it myself, so why do I feel so bad?

. This summer has been interesting so far. As it gets hotter and hotter, and the days come and go... I have more and more respect, trust and love for James.  Ze is such an amazing person. I usually have really bad depression in the summertime (or I have for the past 3 years or so) It gets pretty bad early June through late July. James kept me going, kept me alive and everytime we hung out it was better than the previous .  As I probably mentioned before, I had a tough month. I worked and was exhausted constantly, my family situation kept pushing at my core... and I was consistently pretty upset. 

Through all of this, James and I just grew closer. I don't feel like a burden or like I am being pushed away. We are going out of town together this weekend, Ze agreed to vacation with me (even if I acted like a total crazy face when we went to Mexico together). Ze trusts that I will try my best to heal myself and listened to me bitch and scream and cry...

James just makes it hard for me to be friends with other people because I expect only the best from others, it is what I am mostly used to .

And to You- thanks for breaking my heart. It felt lovely. All tampered with and bruised. 

Current Mood: grateful

 my friendship with james has taken an interesting turn into a more sane and relaxed place. 
*smiles*

Current Mood: thankful

The last 1 hour of my life was humilating, THIS is why ---->

 So I finally have a morning off ! I am thrilled. I position myself comfortably between some blankets in front of the TV. I am watching the Disney Channel (Hannah Montana to be more specific) when my dad walks in. Home early from work? It was 11am. 

He calls me into his bedroom. He says "Step on the scale, I guarantee you weigh over 200 lbs " I laugh because that sounds absurd but I do it anyways. I don't weigh 200lbs. I am under.  I smile and tell him I don't and he calls me a liar. So as Meghan told me to once say I reply "Baby got back !" Awkward silence. He then says "Do you think you attractive" and I say "Yes of course I do!"  

and he says "You are probably attractive at the blind institution"

(sidenote: why is this the SECOND time people are attacking me with blind insults? Hillary will know what I am talking about)

I am going to cleanse my soul by getting out of the house and sitting in a coffeeshop with my journal.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

What do you when you realize your foundation is falling apart? People that you called friends... just aren't. The money you have been working your ass off for means nothing? I think I am just a poor judge of character, or a really bad person (secretly) I mean I know I am a good nanny and I thought I was a good friend/person BUT...... the actions of those around me pretty much signal otherwise.
because i keep getting treated like shit 

I want out because this is no way to live.

Current Mood: crushed

It is not fair that I have to always do the planning. It is also not fair that the minute I change, she drifts away. I was trying to change for the better, I thought this was what she wanted me to do. So I stopped calling.  At least that is what she told me. It is also not fair that it is never taken into account that I am only 20 years old, and therefore...my behavior makes sense.  I want to feel and shout and cry and scream and pout. it works for me in the present moment. 
Also....  I don't trust her, because so many other people left me. So  why doesn't it make sense for me to always panic about her? I want to trust her but something in the back of my mind is keeping me from doing that. I want to know that my efforts and my concerns really matter and are going toward something worthwhile, hopefully some kind of a strong long-term friendship, but I cannot get myself to that point. Is it her actions or mine? Or perhaps a combination? I changed and she left, I let go for a minute and tried not to smother and she was too busy and too cool for school. Well, it hurts. I don't want other people making excuses for her. I don't want to have to deal with this, yet I keep throwing myself into the flames. Apparently now is not a good time, well it never is.

I am sorry I am not okay and perfect and happy all the  time. I am sorry my life is complicated. I am sorry I tried and I am sorry for loving, I cannot control it sometimes. I am just trying to live, so why does it hurt?????

Current Mood: angry

i miss you but i don't know who i am becoming.

you were supposed to be my best friend and you sort of broke me...
ya i am basically broken